Maxipads Are Better Than iPads

I am about as interested in the iPad as I am in Maxipads. I’m not against them, I’m actually quite for them. I understand that a large majority of the population probably prefers Maxipads. Another group probably hates them. There’s probably discussions about the benefits of Maxipads vs. Minipad vs. Tampons. I don’t think about them. I don’t plan on buying any unless someone asks real nicely. I just really don’t need any Maxipads or even think about them since, you know, I have a penis and shit.

But you know why Maxipads are better than iPads? Because the people who buy Maxipads don’t fucking talk about them all day!

Seriously, when it comes to the iPad there’s two people who just need to STFU.

Groupies who want Steve Jobs inside their fanginas know that this is just a giant iPhone. Suck it up. It’s nothing revolutionary and that’s perfectly great. It’s just a simple consumer device and you’ll love it no matter what so quit pretending like it’s as revolutionary as when they made BSD look nice or when they switched to faster Intel CPUs. Apple’s good at getting your little fangina wet so fantasize about it and twiddle your “little man in the canoe” until it comes out.

Haters also need to STFU about the openness. Answer this: Do you know anyone using a fucking tablet PC? No? You know why? Because there is no market for tablet PCs. At least not until Apple just created it for you. You should be thankful. You see, just like AOL vs. Internet, the very first company to market can make a lot of money with a walled garden. The regular Joe’s who will buy these things just want shit to work and will pay for that convenience. Of course Apple’s going to make this thing a walled garden. Big fucking deal since that’ll create consumers ready for something more.

Just like AOL vs. Internet, this means there will be a shift in about 2-5 years when the market for tablets that Apple just created finally realizes that walled gardens blow. It’ll probably be the day they find out that they can get porn on the Dell or HP tablet because it has Flash. Or that they can steal all their music with Bittorrent instead of buying it from iTunes (that piece of shit).

So, instead of fucking bitching and griping in your best Comic Book Guy voice about how it’s not open, you should close your nerd trap and get off your ass to make the successor to the iPad. By the time you get something that works well, the market Apple has created and neutered will be ready for something better.

But please, do it right this time and make that shit actually easy to use. In fact, if you make it so programmers hate it then regular people will fucking love it.

Of course, I still won’t care because I can’t code on a tablet and it’s not a guitar.