I Was Lost For A While There

The last blog post I wrote was about Programming, Motherfucker on March 22, 2011 on a site I ran for a while called Oppugn.us. That is over 3.5 years of not really doing much. I look back and I honestly feel there’s a haze of not much going on in those years, but also that I was preparing for something significant. These last seemingly lost years feel like I built an army of ceramic warriors that will now just stand there staring at nothing. Where did the time go? How did I lose this much? Did I really lose anything?

I remember some lost relationships, and the apartments that went with them. I remember learning to play guitar more. I remember learning to build guitars, and then realizing that was an expensive hobby. I remember falling in love with painting and drawing. I remember traveling all over the world, then resenting it. I remember writing, but looking at what I wrote it’s really just two books that are very similar and a few other half-finished ones. I remember being sad at times, and trying to leave San Francisco but never having the energy to actually do it. Most importantly, I remember not giving a shit about programming, programmers, startups, or any of the things I wrote about before. I just lost interest in this subject I loved and gained a new interest that’s changed me in subtle ways.

I could say most of my entertaining writing energy was sucked into an abyss called Twitter, but that’s a copout. The real reason I haven’t written anything entertaining that’s over 140 characters is I didn’t feel like entertaining anyone. I poked fun at the technology industry for years and for a while it was fun to crank out a rant and establish an alternative to the insane bullshit spin that surrounded me like a turdnado. Then the industry simple became boring and easy to skewer. What was the point of writing about how crazy technology was when the people in the industry were better at demonstrating how completely fucking stupid they were with their own words?

Yet as I sat there, day after day, trying to enjoy a life that I felt had stagnated, the one thing that kept coming up as a deficiency in how I was living was I wasn’t writing. I wasn’t flexing that muscle by writing for fun anymore. I just slaved away at books that sold and not at anything that made me tickle or grimace to write. I’d make a painting, toss it on Flickr, kick it over to Twitter, then get back to work. I was eating the Doritos of writing, and that was making me fat and lazy. I needed some real writing meals on a daily basis to get my thoughts back and express myself in a more entertaining and thoughtful way. Also, dudes on Twitter are insane fucking assholes and they need some dick punches in an arena they can’t handle full of paragraphs and structured thought.

I need to write more, for fun, and catalog all the things I’m working on so I don’t forget. I didn’t spend 3.5 years doing nothing. I spent 3.5 preparing for something significant. I need to make sure I’m ready for when that happens, and to remember that I attempted something significant again. I can’t forget again. I can’t drop off anymore.

I need to write for fun again. I need to write about my life more.