I love the show Silicon Valley. It’s a fresh trendy take on what it means to be a nerd struggling to bring a startup into the world with evil biz dudes ruining it all. This latest season has been full of memorable scenes with Richard stuttering, falling down, and getting his ass kicked by business guys because he fell down. It’s really nailing the whole Male Nerd Beta dynamic and I feel that this is an area I can contribute my ample writing chops.
With that in mind I’m posting this short scene as my entry to being on the writing team. Keep in mind I don’t really know how to format a script. I’m usually spending my time writing books that turn normal people into stuttering, prat falling, pathetic nerds like on Silicon Valley. I also can’t really remember the names of all the characters but that’s probably just my faulty memory circuits and has nothing to do with how memorable those characters are. They are written incredibly well and everyone else probably remembers who they are no problem. But, this is just an audition. I hope I nail it.
ACT I: The Crisis
Richard: Runs into the break room where everyone else is debating whether to throw out a box of string cheese or eat it.
“Gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu gu—”
Erlich: “Richard, are you trying to say ‘guys’?”
Richard: “Ye ye ye ye ye ye ye ye” Stumbles taking a step forward and trips over his two feet, careening to the ground twisting both ankles and a wrist. Tries to help himself up on the pool table covered in Erlich’s weed but slips again, smashing his mouth on the side of the table and knocking all of his teeth out.
Gilfoyle: In an apathetic deadpan, “Damn Richard, that looks like it hurt. Strangely your mouth looks like a vagina now.”
Pakistani Guy: “I’m Pakistani!”
Richard: Stands up, mouth full of blood and vagina like. Both feet wobbly and left wrist even more limp making him look even more asexual and effeminate.
“N n n n n n n n n…”
Old Biz Alpha: Walks into the room and seeing Richard says, “Now that’s what I’m talking about! Richard you look even more like a programmer with your vagina mouth. Everybody, I want you to bash your teeth out so you can be more beta like Richard here. I’m sure that will get us more sales.” Pulls out a cigar and lights it on the ass of a stripper who followed him in from the Sales Team Fun Room where all the sales guys are getting lap dances and looking like pure beautiful alphas.
Erlich: “Well boss, you know I don’t actually work here but I agree with you that having all the programmers sporting vagina mouths would definitely make the sales team look more alpha.” Pan camera to stunning fit well dressed totally heterosexual alpha sales guy getting a lap dance from a tiny Asian woman.
Richard: Shakes head pathetically and pulls out a knife motioning to his groin.
Old Biz Alpha: “What an excellent idea Richard. Everyone, bash your teeth so you have a vagina mouth and then cut your dicks off so that you look even more asexual and pathetic.”
Pakistani Guy: “I’m Pakistani!”
All the nerds look at each other concerned then shrug and proceed to bash their teeth out on the pool table. Erlich smokes more weed. Richard pulls his pants down to cut his dick off.
Old Biz Alpha: Walks out of the room to join the sales team and get a lap dance before impregnating all of the strippers with one shot from his super alpha cock. “Good job asexuals! Way to be team players.”
Gilfoyle: Stuttering through a vagina mouth, “Ho ho how a a are w w w we ggggoing to g g get rev revenge?”
Pakistani Guy: With even more beta vagina mouth, “I I I I am..” trips and falls just standing there shattering his skull and knocking his beta penis off.
Everyone else laughing and pointing.
Cut to Old Biz Alpha show a red light flare up in his eyes with a maniacal laugh while getting a blow job.