There’s No ‘W’ In Coffee Dammit

New York is a very funny place. The people are really nice, if a bit “in your face” about things, but I really like that. It was annoying living in Vancouver, BC and having those two-faced bastards act like they are your best friends and then do some passive aggressive asshole maneuver behind your back. Man those folks are weird. At least New Yorkers are honest about how they feel about you, whether you like it or not.

There’s some really funny things I’ve noticed since I’ve been here though. When I point them out to other New Yorkers they kind of laugh and go, “Yeah, that’s right.” I say the same kinds of things to Vancouverites and they throw up their patent pending Righteous Indignation Force Field level 4. Then again, most of the annoying Vancouver behaviors were due to obnoxious hypocrisies. For example, I remember a picture in the Vancouver Sun of a group of women at a Kyoto protest who were standing in front of an SUV holding Starbucks coffee mugs and carrying paper and wood signs. My observations about New Yorkers are just funny and weird, not really annoying.


I get coffee just about every day. What do you expect, I’m a programmer who has problems sleeping, so coffee is my best friend. Sweet caffeine give me strength. New York coffee is really good, probably some of the best I’ve had. It’s not bitter, usually very smooth, and cheap as hell with a small cup costing you .90 at the most.

But dammit if they don’t pronounce it “cwoffee”. “Would you like some cwoffee sir?” What’s even more weird about it is most of the other words are pretty normal to my average American ears. It’s just the cwoffee that drives me nuts. Everytime I hear someone say it I want to scream, “There’s no fucking ‘W’ in coffee! Shit! Can’t you idiots hear yourself? Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! See? I’m saying it and there’s no ‘W’ in coffee!”

Of course that would be the day I get the “special cwoffee” that had a turd floating in it the day before.

The Subway Is An Elevator

The subway in NYC is fantastic. It’s probably the best in the world. The only one that I think rivals it is the Seoul Korea subway system. In NYC you can go just about anywhere in, near, or around the city for just $70 per month. In contrast I had to pay $60 month in Vancouver and that only got me shitty buses inside one zone. There’s no zones in NYC and the buses and subway are just great. Sure they break down, but that’s probably more because the state doesn’t fund it as much as they should.

I’ve noticed though that people act like the subway is like an elevator. My international friends might not know this, but Americans (and Canadians) don’t talk in the elevator. Friends will be chatting, yelling, and fighting as the walk up to the elevator, but once they step in they SHUT THE FUCK UP! It’s funny because if you ignore this unwritten rule you get dirty looks. This is weird for New Yorkers because they don’t do the dirty look thing very well. New Yorkers will just tell you off. The problem is that the need to not talk in the elevator supersedes the need to tell you to shut up, so they use a dirty look.

In the subway it’s the same thing. I didn’t realize it until I saw a bunch of rowdy teens yelling and jumping as we approached the subway entrance. They were pushing and shoving and just being 16, but right when they got inside the subway they went dead quiet. They stayed quiet on the platform, on the train, off the train, and all the way up the stairs. The second they got back on the street it was like someone turned their obnoxious dial back up to “shithead” and they were back to their antics.

After this I started to see everyone doing it. Just like clockwork they would stop talking as soon as they entered the subway. I swear, the subway is an elevator here.

“And Jesus Said, ‘Place All Things In Paper Bags.'”

Hey, it’s the only explanation I have for people putting my cwoffee in paper bags. I swear. You’ll go to buy a small cwoffee from the corner. The guy will pour the coffee, put a lid on it, take a paper bag out, and put the coffee in the bag. This is so retarded I just have no way to explain it. It’s not like the cup needs extra protection. What would a paper bag do for the coffee cup anyway? All that happens is the coffee dribbles out and turns the bag into a brown blob of Folgers flavored papier mache.

Putting the coffee cup in the bag also tends to interfere with one of the primary requirements for handling coffee intelligently: keep the open end up. When it’s in the bag you can’t see whether you have it tilted or not. It’s covered with a very thin badly forming lid, so upright orientation is essential to smooth unburned skin.

I’ve asked people why they do this and usually they just look at me and say, “What? Uh, so it doesn’t spill.” What?! But, putting it in a bag is the last thing you want to do. I’m so confused.

OCD Nails

I can’t explain it, but the women here are just insane about their nails. Not only do they keep all digits perfectly manicured at all times, but they make sure that the polish matches whatever they happen to be wearing. I’d need a pantone color wheel to get anything this color coordinated.

Fashion Models Date Dirtbags

Along with my OCD Nails observations, I’ve also noticed that you’ll see a bunch of women who are dressed perfectly, but are with guys wearing the “dirtbag” look. She’ll have everything matching and newly done hair and nails, and he’ll have a torn t-shirt with a BBQ sauce stain on it. I guess you can get away with being a dirtbag when you’re 48% of the population (38% if you take away all the gay men).