Turd Cookies

Free is no defense against shit.

By Zed A. Shaw

Turd Cookies

FLOSSBro: “Hello sir and welcome to FLOSS Cafe. We have the best cookies in town! Would you like some free cookies? Fresh baked today.”
Zed: “Oh man, yeah I love cookies. I was just looking for some actually. These look delicious. Mmmm. Bleggghaarrg Fuck!”
FB: “What’s wrong?!”
Z: “What the fuck?! Did you put turds in these cookies?!”
FB: “Look sir, I’m going to ask you to not be rude with me. You have no right to question how I make cookies. They were free after all.”
Z: Spits on ground. “What the absolute magical unicorn fuck are you doing putting turds in cookies?!”
FB: “I’ll have you know that the turds are an essential ingredient of our cookies and I’m going to tell you again to not be offended by it!”
Z: “Is that a peanut? Disgusting. Ugh. Who the fuck wants turds in their cookies?!”
FB: Points at giant sentient fly in the corner of the cafe. “That guy! So there!”
Larry: Waves.
Z: “Whoa. Ok, that guy is a giant sentient fly. How many of those could there possibly be in the fucking world that you’d have to put turds in all of your cookies?”
FB: “Well I’ll have you know that if we don’t put turds in all of our cookies that sentient fly will shit on everyone else’s food and knock tables over then post really nasty reviews on Yelp.”
Z: “Wait, you put turds in all of your cookies so that a fly won’t write reviews in Yelp about the lack of turds in your cookies? Why do you even let him in here? I’m sure that’s some kind of health violation and shit.”
FB: “Because he is loud and obnoxious so if we don’t keep him happy he makes it bad for everyone else. Anyway, I kind of like turds in my cookies too. It was a great decision and now I’ve made it and I’m sticking by it. I am right.”
Z: “What?! Do you seriously eat these?!”
FB: “Well, not exactly. I have a batch I make for myself and special paying customers that only has a little bit of turd in the mix. It’s quite refreshing.”
Z: “Holy fuck, you mean, you put free cookies out with turds in them because a sentient fly demands turds, and then you charge people for cookies without turds? That’s fucking insane.”
FB: “You don’t have to eat them sir! Nobody said you had to eat my free cookies!”
Z: “You offered them to me asshole! If I’d known there was turds in the free cookies I would have just bought the fucking turdless cookies from you and saved myself the epic amount of shit now coating the inside of my fucking mouth.”
FB: “Don’t talk to me that way sir! I gave you those cookies for free!”
Z: “I didn’t want turd cookies! Why the hell do you even do that?! You should just not put turds in your cookies then sell that sentient fly asshole the ones with turds.”
FB: “You are not being constructive here.”
Z: “What? I am being constructive. Just don’t put turds in your cookies shithead!”
FB: “No, that’s destructive because it is telling me to change my mind about a clearly obvious and brilliant decision I made to put turds in my cookies.”
Z: “Alright, how do I give you constructive feedback that will get you to at least make a batch of cookies without turds in them at all? That’s what I want. Cookies without turds. I’ll even fucking pay for them."
FB: "I’m going to have to ask you to fill out a Recipe Task Form Management System request online. It’s only 42 form fields at this website and your request will be added to a queue behind 153 other requests to change the recipe.”
Z: “What?! I have to fill out a fucking form online, for you, and you might fix it?! That’s insane!”
FB: “No, this is our process here at FLOSS Cafe sir. All patrons must submit orders through our RTFMS and we handle only the orders we feel are worth our time. Now, if you were a friend of mine, or a large corporation I might not make you fill out the form, but since you’re being a jerk I’m going to request that you fill out an RTFMS request.”
Z: “Alright, fine. I'll fill out your fucking form. I’m curious to see if you’ll do it:"


Z: “There, can I get some cookies that don’t have turds in them now?”
FB: “Oh see now you’re just being rude. You have to show some respect. I mean, I just gave you free cookies and this is how you treat me? What an asshole.”
Z: “Oh, ok how about this fuckface:"


FB: “Sir, that is not being constructive.”
Z: “Oh you want constructive:"


Z: “Fuck you and your fucking turd cookies FLOSS Bro. I’m going to go start a restaurant that doesn’t put turds in their cookies and put you out of fucking business.”
FB: “Fine! You go do that! It’ll fail because you’re not positive and constructive and supportive of my work! I do this in my spare time you know!”
Z: “Probably because you suck so bad nobody would pay you to do it for real.”
FB: “Fuck you! You don’t get the entire concept of free cookies! If I give you free cookies you have to worship me! Worship me for my free cookies asshole!”
Z: “I see! The truth comes out! I have to worship you and it’s not about having the best cookies in town. It’s about you being recognized by giant sentient flies and nobody else. Fuck off!” Slams door.
Fly: Walks up chewing on turd cookies. “That guy’s such an asshole. These cookies rock.”
FB: “Thank you Larry. I’m glad you’re happy.” Looks out at empty restaurant.

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